I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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