who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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