My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
