The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
