Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
