I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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