the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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