I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
