i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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