Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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