Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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