legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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