If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
