a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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