At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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