Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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