I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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