hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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