So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
You just made me feel so damn special
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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