there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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