i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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