Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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