So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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