my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
