i may or may not be watching the land before time
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
