Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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