Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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