i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
