Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
