I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
