Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
