ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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