no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
