If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
