Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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