Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
