you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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