Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
