my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
