Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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