I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
