I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
