I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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