I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize