Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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