I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
