I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I just want to make out with him forever
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