90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
