Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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