It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
