I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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