We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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