Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
