Old men and throwing up are my life now.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
