did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
