He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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