Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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